As you’ve probably guessed by now I’m going through an intense process. I’m feeling pretty vulnerable and overwhelmed a lot of the time. This week I felt as if I’d hit yet another nasty bump in the road and I even doubted being able to write this. It felt as if the stumble turned into me hitting my head on the roadblock and I was ‘down for the count’ wondering if I had the strength to get back up again!
Every time I think I’m over the worst I have another bad day. Every time I think I can’t deal with this I’m forced to deal with more! Tuesday I pushed myself to make tea so that I could try to bless my family with food, but the effort left me utterly spent and unable to talk as I feared I would simply collapse into a bubbling mess. I felt like such a failure.
9 days ago I reflected upon the Israelites in the desert, in Psalm 78:13-16 it details what God did for His people: He released them from slavery and oppression; He parted the Red Sea; He fed them with manna straight from Heaven (“It was white like coriander seed, and it tasted like honey wafers.” Exodus 16:31b NLT); they followed a cloud of glory during the day and a pillar of fire at night; when there was no water God split open rocks which then became gushing springs; they were walking towards the Promise Land – a land flowing with glorious abundance.
Think about it! Really think about it. How wonderful would it be to have a cloud guiding you forward! How incredible would a pillar of fire be!
BUT despite all of these amazing things, the things that we desperately long to see, the people kept sinning. Even though signs and wonders were happening all around them they were still refusing to trust! (Psalm 78:32).
As I pondered on that I was left wondering how that could possibly be. I think I know somewhat of what they were feeling. I think I’m there now.
I think it’s the fact that they wanted the promise land but they didn’t want the journey. Like me I want restoration and I want the future to unfold and when do I want it? NOW! I don’t want to wait, I don’t want the pain, I don’t want to have to uncover all my deep hurts, I don’t want to have to spend hour after hour on the computer writing and trying to make sense out of my 2342 drafts! But I need to wait, for God is doing a HUGE work that takes time! I need to allow God to deal with the stuff from my past so that I no longer carry it around. I need to write because I need to be a good steward with the words God has entrusted me with!
Desiring signs and wonders along with miracles is not a bad thing, we are encouraged by God to look for them, but it becomes dangerous ground when we say we desire them more than God and even more dangerous when we say something like “well if I don’t get a sign and wonder then I’ll just give up on God.”. That kind of thinking would grieve His heart. It would be like you saying to someone you love ‘I’ll only stay in relationship with you if you do this…..’. What you’re saying is: I no longer love you for who you are, I only love you for what you can do for me.
It hurts to write this because I’ve been that kinda person, I sought healing over a relationship. I started to race ahead in Ministry before being trained.
I realise now that my relationship with God is far more important than seeing His signs and wonders.
What do I want right now more than anything? Do I want God or what He can do for me? What if signs and wonders never come, does that change God? What if they do come but I’m so distracted I miss them? What if they do come but I’m not prepared to receive?
I believe God can and will do amazing things in my life but I need to focus on my relationship with Him so that I’m positioned to receive. I don’t want to be in the wrong place and miss it.
“Sometimes God gives us what we think we don’t want. Often He allows things to happen that we didn’t plan for and we may feel as if we’re missing out on the life we wanted. But God has made it clear that He’s given us everything we need and more to live out the life that He has for us. He is writing a story that is better than one we could imagine for ourselves, and our part is simply choosing to trust Him with the next thing.” Chrystal Evans Hurst
This week yet again it’s been hard for me to trust the process. The immediate circumstances have drowned out the big picture stuff. As I got bogged down in the now the soon seemed too far away and way too difficult to achieve!
But guess what? God has strengthened me to write, where I felt there was no way He made a way!
So I pray that this encourages you to trust the process, to know that God has begun a great work in your life that will continue until the day when Christ Jesus returns – Philippians 1:6.
Many blessings, Keona
Note: The full story of deliverance can be found in Exodus 13 and their journey is detailed through the next few chapters.